From age four and a half years to age eleven and a half years I went to a Church of England school in the North West of England
By the age of eight I had suffered a terrible nightmare of seeing a disinterested doppelganger of my own mother running around in a barren flat landscape drained of colour in which scores of telegraph poles, the only features of this landscape, were collapsing as she ran among them staring at me as though she was happy to be both terrifying me and seeing justice being done as though watching an execution . I awoke to find myself screaming “mum”, as I had been in my nightmare, for my mother who was by then there. I was at the door of my mother’s wardrobe. It was early evening and I had been in my parents bed as I had chicken-pox so needed to be kept away from my brother
Two things in my spiritual journey arise from this experience. Firstly, Jesus said to the sick “Oh ye of little faith”, so if the truth of God is that he is all powerful then I was cast into this hell because I did not have enough faith to overcome chicken pox. This brings me to question whether or not “Jesus loves the little children” as is often said. Modern Christian thinking is that God is all good, so that they can claim in the face of a rational look at the destructive power of nature that he is not causing the destruction, and that hell is separation from God. It follows therefore that God discarded me at about seven years old since if he truly loved children he would have sheltered me in sickness, not taken the opportunity to exercise the most extreme interpretation of his word. Of course having options as to how to interpret what has been written in his name makes life easy for him since the moderates will say the nightmare was something else and the extremists will say that proves God knew I was an evil child and needed chastising. Personally I think God needs psycho-therapy with someone from the British National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children in attendance along with a compassionate policeman who will arrest him if he refuses to accept he did wrong.
Before I went to church I had told my uncle I wanted to be a doctor when he asked me what my ambitions were. I told him this because I felt so much for dear Dr Kirkpatrick, who had cooled my sores with calamine when I had chickenpox. When my mother, without asking me whether I wanted to or not, took me to a church to join the choir, the first thought that came into my head once parked in the church as a trial boy was, “I want to be a head boy” as I watched the choristers. This was my first experience of the Neural Programming, which I believe the god who gains advantage from attendance of children in Protestant churches, engages in. While walking to the church on the first occasion with my mother there was a sense of something being boiled off me, any self-confidence I had left after the nightmare was departing. Why did mum not ask me what I wanted to do - had I done wrong? It has to be said though that such a god may not be the God of Christ, it could be any spiritual power. The neural programming was clearly intended to divert me. In retrospect I should have left then telling my mother I did not like it, but I was not aware of all the traps and snares that can befall an unwise or innocent child. One of the Saints said “see how God confounds the wise” so I have to admit God got me there at about eight years old. I still think he is a pervert for confounding children.
I have no recollection of any other dreams or nightmares until age twenty-two when my personal “Journey to the East and Back” began. I do have recollection of more neural programming though. Just before I left the church choir which would be about the age of fourteen a strange ambitious thought entered my head “I could be a Lawyer”. I also had a strange sort of curious shock enter my head looking at the General Confession of the Anglican church where it states “I believe in the holy catholic and apostolic church” because, (due to a rather criminally inclined catholic neighbour, who my mother thought was a little angel, dragging me and another protestant boy off on a few of his thieving adventures), I had decided that the catholic church was a little too forgiving, possibly because deep inside me, my nightmare experience for what crime I know not, nor was ever charged for, had kindled a twisted sense of justice. If my mind was to be destroyed for some crime I have no knowledge of, how much more terrifying would be a hell for criminals, maybe what I was supposed to be reasoning but my mother had convinced me the nightmare was just a bad dream. I was later to learn that luther had decided to join the catholic church as a monk after a nightmare, begging that he would devote himself if it never happenned again. This was irrational and possibly cowardly but the common reaction of a torture victim. (I now loathe Jack Straw, the British home secretary for trying to get confessions given under torture accepted in British courts if extracted in foreign countries - that evil bastard has obviously forgotten that some sympathy for the Jews (he is one himself) came because people were appalled by Dr Mengele torturing children in concentration camps - Jack Straw should tread more carefully)
I suppose one could say then that after my seven years in the church, God had achieved his ambition, which the Saints put great store by, of completely confounding any wisdom I may have had by then or had had in the past and any love I had in my heart for things other than wanting a safe ending to my days. I should stress I am now quite comfortable with many catholics as you might expect as well as liberal jews and arabs and compassionate people of all nations. The third neural programming experience was the single word “labour” arising as a thought in my head. This made me feel stupid since I did not know where the thought came from. It could have been about abortion, since I half remember thinking about the issue at the time and why, if our government and queen were blessed by God the decision had been made to legitimise it if it was not right, labour of course being the natural end to pregnancy. It almost might be thought alternatively to be like the onset of schizophrenia I would imagine, (those whom the Gods wish to destroy they first drive insane), to almost hear a voice in your head. This was to cause me great pain in later life. My upbringing being with parents who were supporters of the , at the time fairly moderate, British Conservative party, I was probably disinclined to consider politics any more than broadly accept their views. This experience however forced another view on me so congratulations to God again, or his agent Satan or whoever, in succeeding in confounding me three times.
On these three points of NLP above, interestingly enough, as I write this, we have Tony Blair as the British Prime Minister. He is a Labour politician, married to a Catholic who could have been a lawyer if he was not Prime Minister, so he fits all three. We used to have a voice exercise in the Choir, where we sang what I believe is a Bible quote “.. and the government shall be upon his shoulder”. It could be that it was on my shoulder about thirty years before it happened so perhaps Jesus was taking the mickey out me by putting a parliament to come n the future on mine. Very funny and nice to know he has a sense of humour. My own jaundiced belief about this is that Jesus wants to laugh at me now in late middle age without children having a Prime Minister who is devoted to Jesus and comfortable with Semitic integration into our society, (which as I have pointed out on another page I am a bit suspicious about), since he believes in the bible not Darwin anyway, who has lots of money and power and four children. In addition, the early nightmare I had which i described could also be seen as as a barren landscape of equal sized telegraph poles or equal poles, so my nightmare could have been about the collapse of communism which was precipitated by Solidarnosc movement in Poland. Perhaps I was attacked as an innocent Protestant on behalf of the virgin Mary who had predicted the Pope would give Russia to her, (she did not say after we have terrified an English boy). The significance of this may be more apparent after reading the page “After Bliss”. So we got a Polish pope who could appear to be performing miracles of conversion when in fact he was just riding a wave of disturbed childhood. Most churches seem to depend on disturbing children’s peace of mind, the Lutheran church having been born of Luther’s nightmares whci drove him to a monastery, which he eventually turned against as alife style..
POST CHURCH DESCENT
Before beginning this section perhaps I should note two things. Firstly that while at church, on choir camp, I learnt to masturbate, taught by another chorister. I was ten years old then. Medically of course masturbation is a good way for a male to maintain fertility when one is not in a relationship. (However Buddha is reported to have said that sex saps the intellect. Science would probably show that orgasms stimulate the intellect. I expect the truth is somewhere between, that in a spirit world sense, sex in the material world can allow your spiritual connections to be sapped and most probably without you knowing it, thus gradually making free movement in that world more difficult . However, please understand that my moment of bliss came after all that travel in the wrong direction ( see the ‘Bliss’ page). This would fit with an enlightened overview I assume Buddha had, that while sex is essential for survival and stimulating, all your wits are needed in the spirit world so sapping your wits would put you at a disadvantage, therefore anything wanting to dominate the spirit world would try to charge for sex and sap the intellect of those having sex if it was possible.) However since sex was not openly discussed in my family or at church and most churches criticise human sexuality it was inevitable that my teenage years were haunted by doubts and guilt feelings about it. The bravest boy in our class, to me inhibited by church, confessed to masturbating with his friends on scout camp. The most cowardly was the cleverest and a socialist who, though bragging by bringing a copy of the banned ‘cartoon pornography’ school kids issue of OZ magazine into school, managed a magnificent ”volte face” and condemned masturbation as pathetic. Secondly, I was tempted to start smoking at the back of the vestry before choir practice started. Many readers may now being saying to themselves “Thank God I did not send my son to a Catholic or Anglican church”, a view which I have some sympathy for though their was much friendship among the boys at the choir and my neighbour was not all evil, he did have some entertainment value too.
In the New Testament Jesus is reported to have said, “Woe unto he that leaves my church”, (Why not she also is my first thought after decades of feminist insistence on gender equality?). So as a casual but educated observer may have realised, walking out of the church, confused by weird thoughts, was inevitably the beginning of Plan B, (after Plan A terrifying me as a child), namely making an idiot of me in my formative adolescent years. Faux Pas followed Faux Pas. The Bible reading Christian groups may take some comfort from the above in that clearly, had I read the bible instead of singing God’s praises in the choir, albeit somewhat reluctantly somewhere in my heart, I would have been aware that woe would befall me if I left the church. I could have ascribed the thoughts to the works of pinko devils, resisted, stayed in the church and gained salvation. However, considering myself rational I began to wonder whether I was mad or not on short occasions, but would dismiss that as I appeared to be doing nothing that I could not correct and thus through experience, steer myself back on to a course of rational analysis of the world my senses were showing me.
After leaving the church one who I had considered a friend at school, Peter Darbyshire, began to undermine my self-confidence, (see Before Bliss” for more about this), consciously or sub-consciously. One of the principles, of Buddho_Darwinism, is that the core of our being, by letting religious guidance into our hearts, is turned into what at worst can become an attack machine, unaware of its destructive nature. This is why seeking after enlightenment can be important, to escape not understanding oneself, to the state of Nirvana or to at least begin the process of self-discovery.
One of the things I did after leaving the church which I had perhaps procrastinated over while attending church was invite out a girl I had fallen in love with. We went to the cinema to watch “Born free”, (would that I had lived free). I fell apart trying to think of how to be a gentlemen but also a lover as we sat there and then an image of my father crossed over in front of my consciousness. Later of course I was to read “we know when to release devils” in the Koran, “see how God confounds the wise “ in the letters of St Paul and ”I come to divide a family” in the Gospel as a quote of Jesus. My father within a few years died of bowel cancer and the cancer led to an abscess in the base of his spine, (Anyone who has had an abscess on their tooth will know how painful that must have been), My father during the 18 months it took for disease to down him would often walk from side to side in the lounge, sometimes most of the night, because of the pain of the abscess making sitting so difficult, this motion was like the vision I had had of him in the cinema. The rosary talks of satan showing Christ the manner of his death in Gethsemane, but considering how young I was, showing me the detah of my father was pretty weird justice. As death drew near he took to bed and was down on his knees with the pain. The Koran says “Allah is a God before whom all nations will bend” and this time seemed to instill in me a feeling that someone was profiting from his pain. My father certainly represented the Geordie nation in that every night he wold have two or three pints of beer with his mates in the pub leaving his wife at home. In another way he was a great environmentalists since consumerism was not his dream, he would say “All I want is a couple of pints of beer in the evening out of life” For the rest he was content to work long hours to rise to be a director of a regional food retailer. Pay was nothing special for him and we were never wealthy, but there was some happiness. It is my belief that he was a sacrifice for the Koran a target of the Archangel Gabriel, perhaps by the proxy release of evil. There is an extract in the Koran which has an incredulous tone to it referring to the idea Christians have of Christ as the son of God where Gabriel is reported to have exclaimed “That God should have a son”. That tone may also be used to state “That a Muslim man should abandon his wife every night to drink alcohol”. So this sacrifice I believe was made to encourage European women to admire Muslim men, to adopt the veil in order not to be neglected in the evening. This of course would encourage integration in Europe of the the paternalism of the men of immigrant Koranic nation origin thus bending all nations before God as the faith increased in our shores. ~(If you find this paranoid see the page on France) Of course the British Labour party is now permitting Muslims to have four women as wives while saying they are not actually wives. Bigamy on the sly but also a dig at my father who did not even blink when I suggested that he seek another woman in his life since my mother was by that time in her madness (which again I believe God was behind), nagging him every time he came home about wanting a divorce. God willing to ignore my father’s virtues, hard-working, faithful to his wife, generous to his eldest son, moderate in habits in order to make an example, perhaps to generate fear, especially in me, a fear that appeared to become actually manifest in the eighties after my father passed on in the race riots and paranoia of workers.
I should say my father also became possessed of the the type of madness my mother demonstrated. Once I left the church, he would say things like “you have to swot” and then sometime later “I knew someonoe who swotted, he died”. I am inclined to believe this attitude comes from God trying to bring woe to people such as myself, by doing so he fulfills prophecy of “woe unto he that leaves my church” but as is demands are incompatible with science and compassion it is obviously a form of blackmail rather than justice or equity.
THIS IS THE END OF THE EARLY YEARS