Madness (19 &26)

You are invited to read through this site.

However, once you have done so, you may conclude the author is mad.

Firstly let me give a summary of my mental condition, the backgrounds to which are detailed elsewhere in this site in passing:

In my youth, I was broadly happy except for being puzzled by nightmares, (one in particular), and by the feeling of something entering my head at about 11 years old.

At about fourteen, the development, in church, of what I considered to be intrusion against my self and my honour, but which an external medic may identify as the beginning of schizophrenia.

From about fourteen to sixteen and a half, there was what I imagine was perceived as a gradual deterioration of my mental state by my peers at school. Some appeared to take advantage of this and this also is detailed elsewhere in this site. A factor in this was the church incident at fourteen and an additional factor was my mother’s insanity which surprise, surprise developed shortly after I left church.

I dropped out of school, at about seventeen, to seek peace and love in the hippie generation but found myself pursued by a parent so became a half and half lifestyle hippie, (entirely appropriate for a schizophrenic) or weekend hippie. This pattern of working weeks and hippie weekends, interspersed with short spells wandering in Europe, led me to Denmark in 1976 after my father had died. he too had seemed to go as mad as my mother within about two years of me leaving church. He would say on one day “You have to swat” and on another day “I knew someone who was a swat at school - he died”.

During the early part of 1977 I began to dream but these dreams were extraordinarily vivid, as though visions of the future as seen by mystics but more as sneak previews of chaos which could come. Most of the dreams meant nothing at the time of the dream and this pattern has continued.

Near mid-summer 1977 I reached a Nirvana experience without actually seeking such a thing, having broadly given up on life, Puzzled by my inability to understand even the basics of life in terms of career and a stable relationship, which others appeared to manage. This rather fits with Buddha’s teaching to go off and abandon all things of life to seek a way out of the eternal cycle of life. This experience was short, to me about 10 seconds at most but in that time somebody else managed to leave their desk, get water and get back to where I was to throw it over  me in a sauna in the hippie enclave of Christiania in Copenhagen. After that the dreams or visions returned to their confusing but vivid state.

I did not realise but from that time at least, but more likely much earlier, friends or enemies, (it is difficult to decide at times), were gathering to make their presence known to me.

One night in the summer at a hotel where I was working in Copenhagen my experience was a soul extracted from its own body and a stiletto applied to an area of the mind, which caused great pain to me. Someone who looked like an uncle of mine was present in this illusion and while the great painful weight was on me I asked “What is that?” as he seemed in no hurry, as someone who cared might be, to relieve the pain. Then a voice of something else present in my consciousness, perhaps female exclaimed “Ooooh get it off me”. I know not whether this request was fulfilled but I then found myself in an out of body experience in the room in which my body slept. I had a mild panic attack of the “What am I doing out here” sort and found myself back in my body with an image of my mother now trying to share my brain.

Since then strange things have happened dealt with elsewhere in this site on the “After Bliss” pages of this web-site.

I appear to be able to see the future occasionally but I believe certain protestant church and synagogue members may be trying to suppress or extract that ability respectively. If I hear about Nostradamus now, for instance, I am inclined to believe he may have seen things but that they were second hand visions, probably stolen from a compassionate and enlightened Buddha much as with my own draining which I have now created a page about.

An example of this is that when I got back to England after leaving Denmark in 1977. I went to visit my uncle. I feel now this was just another snare because of his attitude after, but at the time I thought I would let him know I was experiencing things which I presumed he was not. I said I had seen him in a hotel and about two and a half years later, after he had died, my aunt told me he had read a Gideon’s Bible in his later times which of course is left in hotels. He may have acquired that after I spoke to him in which case his future followed my vision rather than the other way round. He also received a Xmas present from another of my distant aunts by mail. It was clearly a 12 inch Long Playing record, but before he opened it I told him it was Handel’s Water Music. I have no idea why I said that but it turned out to be exactly that.

Equally on another occasion, many years later, I met George Bush in a vision. He of course loves the death penalty. For some reason I had two buckets in my hand, but I knew that in gas chambers for executions in the US they use two gases in buckets and take off the lids for the gases to mix which then become deadly. George looked at me and walked off towards some doors like lift doors, as though we were in a hotel or office block. I could not decide whether he walked off because he thought “there is another death sentence (for me ) confirmed” or whether he decided to get out panicking because he knew what I might have brought in, like a cat bringing a worm to its owner. Some eighteen months later or thereabouts I was working a conservation project in Bulgaria where I was, everyday, carrying two buckets of pebbles up and down a causeway, to build an island for terns to nest on, in a coastal salt lake. We decided to take a day off and on that day, sitting in a cafe in Bulgaria, we watched the Twin Towers hit by the aircraft. Had my dream been a warning which I might have been able to convey? Would anybody have listened if I had? One interesting bit of the bible in Daniel says “Do not share these visions I show you with anyone” Is that in itself a message we should note or the cunning of a God who thinks all non-Jews are lesser people? Did the Danes at the Rebecca ø Fest in 1977 and especially in the person of Leornard Jørgensen, want to confuse my head so that things which could be warned of would be so jumbled that they were indecipherable?

Whatever, I can say that after a long struggle I have managed to gain three Advanced Level exam passes and three degrees in engineering and science since 1977. I have also never been on tablets for mental illness nor spent time in a psychiatric unit as a patient.

My own belief, based on experiences, is as follows. That medicine, while able to relieve the suffering of many mentally ill, has not as yet been able to gain any insight into the world of insanity. This world may well be a link which our society represses, to another dimension of understanding. Because forces compete in this other world, as they do in our materialist world, to profit and exploit others, the insane are in some cases, perhaps not many, actually victims of those who wish to dominate the spirit world. they are not even wise to this because the link would never be agreed by medicine. I am extremely lucky in two respects. Firstly in having experienced a kind of Nirvana, which has given me strength to deny many offers of help which religions promise, since they could be charlatans like any one else in the materialist world. Secondly in that the small number of Danes who tricked me and mocked me in September 1977, especially at the Rebecca ø Fest, gave me sufficient evidence, perhaps inadvertently if they thought they could drive me insane, that the experiences of my youth, such as in the church, were not necessarily the beginnings of schizophrenia. I now know that people can have powers of reading or influencing others minds outside the realm of stage magic.

I a sure that a host of people who I believe in such as Richard Dawkins, Sam Harris, Desmond Morris and a US magician who is offering a million dollars for anyone who can demonstrate anything outside the realms of science, will not be impressed by my claims. This is because they are not repeatable and as I have illustrated with the case of George Bush, too confusing for me to be able to decipher and reveal what the future holds. I simply carry the memory of having dipped into a river of the future time and experienced a taste of what is to happen.

Perhaps my role in some sort of cosmos is to try to stop others making too much out of powers. My Buddhist empathy inclines me to steer clear of trying to profit from an ability, since some soul’s need for compassion my be tied into it.

I have made offers to people in science to read this web-site and then allow me to take a lie detector test. It would not be evidence of abilities from Nirvana but since one of the chapters of Richard Dawkins book is “Why there probably is no God”. At least you would think if these scientists tried it they would then be able to say “Why there probably is no God but there may be something out there, as one who cannot prove his claims appears not to be lying”

I can do no more than make an offer and try to tell the readers of this web-site of my experiences as best possible.

With best wishes from a still, for the moment, “sane” web-site author.

On 6th January 2008 the BBC programme “The Big Questions” featured a man proposing that there were mental health problems in English speaking countries, (Australia, USA, Canada and the UK etc ) because people were pursuing a different agenda to those in continental European countries. His thinking was, he first said, that this was because English speaking countries were still pursuing a Thatcherite agenda. The continent on the other hand was less obsessed with materialism and “keeping up with the Jones’s”. This might have stood up as an argument except that later in this religious programme he stated that people who go to church are less prone to mental illness. My experience, as detailed elsewhere on this site, is that religious people wish mental health problems on others. For instance what was done at the Rebecca ø Fest, (see the after Bliss page) and Kirsten Pedersen saying “Don’t you believe? You are heading for a nervous breakdown!”, which I should say 30 years later I still have not had. I am convinced that the statistics which show mental health problems are less in religious people are manipulated, just as the religious sell-outs of Denmark were manipulative towards me. For instance, it may be that the church:

  • attracts people who are sane and makes unwelcome those who are not, especially after it has worked on those who are rational until their sanity breaks.
  • it may that God manipulates things either using powers or by proxy (the page on “Healing Miracles” has something to say about this too.). Also note the Buddhist interpretation I have used in this web-site that what constitutes God may not be permanent, i.e. that the roles are adopted so if what I am proposing is true it still does not mean their is a supreme being, only an alpha being who may not be permanent.

Fundamentally, science does not know the causes as much as how to alleviate the symptoms of madness. As science finds problems with a parallel world from which madness can be induced , (as the book of Job), it may be a long time before causes are accepted.

Below this page is a case study of my own experience of voices in the head


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