Before Bliss (11, 40 & 59)

(This page should be read after “The early years” page then Bliss can be read, along with Reincarnation)

So I set out from church, full of a love and faith in science and rationality with democratic safe-guards. Oh how something out there must have wanted to undermine that, (not that the damage had not already been done).

Faux pas did indeed follow faux pas.

Faux pas number 1. I made a complete idiot of myself about a girl at a party, pretending to be emotional, or more properly probably wondering where the sincerity of my thoughts when I was not in company vanished when I was. (Schizophrenia surely I hear the tutting classes say).

Faux pas number 2. I blurted out “As a matter of fact Hitler was right” to a friend as we walked home from school downhill. I don’t know why, perhaps I blamed them for concocting the lunatic bible mythology, more likely Jesus wanted my friend to consider me evil since I had left his church so programmed me to say that before I left the church. Jesus is reported to have said “As ye speak so shall ye be judged”  and “Woe unto he that leaves my church” so that was an obvious way to bring me woe for leaving his church and give a boy on the make and wanting to achieve a more dominant social status some evidence he could cling to that I was something abhorrent that would shock people. You can see religion is very clever at pursuing the aims of making things appear to be true which are not actually true. The real irony was Captain Hurricane from the Valiant comic was a childhood hero, this was a character. like a real life superman to me although only a cartoon hero, who fought in the British Army in the Second World War against Hitler. Sadly I think my ex-friend did consider me evil or saw it as his opportunity, which is perhaps natural as apes seek to dominate adolescent groups preparing themselves to be Alpha males. At exactly the same point on the hill  within a very short time he asked “Have you ever been to Berger’s house”. Brian Berger was a Jew in our primary school, (we were now in senior school) who lived near that fellow pupil I blurted out to, Peter Darbyshire. Him asking that was a kind of guilt induction but the pupil became almost addicted to this and he is now a doctor, (what I wanted to be (see the Early years). At that exact same point on the hill, another day shortly after he said “I want to be a doctor”, just as I had to my uncle. He also said “I’m not communist”, which his brother was but I suppose the emphasis was on me to declare myself non-communist, had I known what was ahead of me. perhaps I should have said “Nor me” but I remained silent as so often in my life. At that same place on station Road Cheadle Hulme, after we got our Ordinary Level exam results at 16, he also said “Heh! how did you get....?” and then his question faded. Obviously he was annoyed I had done so well, but though better of pushing it. Shortly before I dropped out of school at 16 in the first year of advanced level studies I could not concentrate on lessons and wondered if it was me. I told him in the class and he said “well either you know it or you don’t”, which, on reflection, I now see rather succinctly answered the question he had wanted to ask on the road “.. how did you get...?”. I just knew the answers because I had concentrated in class in done my homework. I try not to blame him for these incidents as I think it was part of the process of evicting me from church, the start of woe, leaving me regarded as a bit mad, and in Islamic as opposed to Christian terms, receiving the book on my back which is again a bringer of woe apparently. Peter was probably turning the pages without knowing it. Even if he did know, as I hope is clear, I bear no malice to Jews, because they are merely doing what is normal in an evolutionary world. Peter saw his chances to take advantage of my uncertainty and confusion. What I resent is God, gods or devils for inhibiting me, perhaps by proxy but nevertheless a cause, in order to allow others their nature.

Perhaps of speculative interest, (considering the Bible says Satan named everything and the uncle who was my godfather, when I described how I had studied form to win on the horses immediately said, “You should be able to tell by the name” in a quite serious tone), is that Peter sometime after this appeared to almost fall in love a bit with his own name, asking if I had noticed how people say “Dar... Be... Shire” in a certain manner. as if the teachers had a special affection for him too. Cats are supposed to think like this, according to some fans of the animal. My friends either side of my home consisted of a catholic boy, Ian Smith, a noted thief, devising ways to extract chewing gum from automatic dispensers and two brothers from the Plymouth Brethren on the other side. Not my choice of neighbours, one who believed in doing what he chose because the law was irrelevant and one obsessed with the law as devised by Jewish mythology. interestingly the founder of the Plymouth brethren was a disaffected Anglican called,(surprise, surprise), Darby and lived in Ireland so he was a Darby sh Ire land. Peter exhibited his ire on occasions towards me. The two Plymouth Brethren, Jonathan and Jeffrey Moss appeared to believe I was some kind of devil or doomed soul. I cannot help wondering why these coincidences arose. The Moss family moved into the district when I was a young child, but enough of the speculation. Incidentally I found out who founded the Plymouth Brethren from Brewer’s Dictionary of phrase and fable, acquired from Oxfam for £6. It is always useful to have lots of reference volumes of various sorts around.

It seems unjust to educate parents to get their children to let Jesus or Allah or whatever into their hearts, only to actually put them at serious disadvantage in later life. Peter has got a career as a doctor and has married, I am told, one of the lovelier of the friendly girls from school. Jews seem in senior positions in every walk of life in England, many enjoying multiple relationships or happy marriages. All of that is fine but I am the one who, when young, spent 6 hours a week in church, more when there were weddings and communion services and four hours getting there and back. I would have got nothing, perhaps died in despair and loneliness, if I had not seen in 1977 that we can all be acted on without knowing it.

Faux pas number 3: This was really about my first love and is dealt with on a lower page “Love”.

This all seemed a bit too coincidental and after those days I was never again to feel him a close friend. He would raise topics like nuclear testing (which required a test treaty to stop) as if I was inadequate for not having come to an opinion. As I have said I was not very political in those days. I believe he used to watch me carefully to find moments he could take advantage of, he was in the Rugby team and a high jumper and hurdler whereas I was just a cross country runner. He was what the college boys in the USA might call one of “the Jocks”, (although it was probably one of the worst teams the school had produced with the games teacher claiming a team from the blind school could beat them - this last is poignantly ironic for me as the church I went to was St Paul’s and he commented on the Jews being blind and I seemed to be going blind to reason because of attending his church). In the USA of course, disaffected people have used guns on their fellow pupils, but that has not been an intent of mine despite being a fan of the film “if” which I recommend. My personal opinion is that God has shown Peter that success for “the Jocks” can come through careful observation and undermining of the confidence of the outcasts, so in a way, god is responsible for the massacre at Columbine by offering these deals to those who love to be contemptuous of others of their tribe, as Peter was contemptuous of me. I have to say this all contrasts completely with the rugby club at the college where I took my first degree, Coventry, who cold not have been more encouraging. If it was the way forward for Peter why should not American alpha males see it as their way forward. Mock those disaffected. I believe Peter’s pat is also responsible for the establishment of the Museum of creationism in the USA. As I have said Peter was probably watching me for more opportunities, like a big cat in Africa observes lost or wounded antelope. I assume he watched me in a morning school service when our biology teacher Mr Ellis said “The older I get the more I see God” I was a bit shocked with this as I was seeing less of God the older I got and more of a confusing bastard trying to drive me insane, although of course that was balanced by the concern that I thought I might actually be going slowly insane as I did not know where my thoughts were coming and why I said things and saw strange images in my head as in the cinema on my first date, mentioned in The Early Years. I had hoped a biology teacher at least might support Darwin and rational thinking. Some time later, (this is what makes me suspect Peter watched me like a stalking cat), while we waited for train he asked “What do you think of Mr Ellis?” I once again, as I had on the path to the station when he came out with statements at exactly the same point on the road that I had blurted out “As a matter of fact Hitler was right”, paused for a moment thinking to myself “Why has he suddenly come out with that? What does he want? but before I could reply with my opinions he said “He’s alright. He’s alright”. Peter I suspect knew I had an issue with Mr Ellis having seen me in school service react to his statement. Now of course presumably everyone involved in financing the Museum of Creationism thinks that they see God as they get older and wiser, also presumably with a concomitant reduction in the amount they can see Darwin, cosmology, Physics etc. If Peter’s success in pursuing an academic education to become a doctor, gradually moving to a point where my own pursuit of achievement collapsed through undermining me, at which point he was able to then progress, is an example to others then it is that Darwin’s observation of survival of those which best adapt to a changing environment, can be adopted by religious people. God blessed Abraham’s seed, church goers are generally more likely to have children etc. This does mean being religious is right, it simply means that God manipulates or his proxies do, (which could be anyone from magic aware Islamic immigrants, to Jews, to priests of any faith etc), the environment by sacrificing those easily confused, such as trusting people like myself who imagined God might come to them and explain the difference between the bible and the science facts, for the sake of those “super jocks” who will be manipulative and aggressive on his behalf. Certainly Peter made sure to make friends with Michael Ashworth who was deeply Christian while rejecting me, his old friend, even though Michael had lost a school debate against me, on whether or not their was life on other planets

I now temper my Darwinism with Buddha as I can see that as Sting sang “nothing comes of violence and nothing ever will” and nothing did come of the cunning aggression and competitiveness of my former friend except fewer English doctors and nurses

The intellectual socialist in the class, whose abilities I think my former friend aspired to even if it was to be at my expense, also started on me after I left church. I was “exposed” by him for thinking Ted Heath was OK and now I can’t help thinking after the Thatcher years that he was like the White Horse in Orwell’s classic Animal Farm, he was persuaded to chase away the conservative farmer, me, and socialists then lost four elections to the conservative pigs. I never really understood why intellectual activist socialists, more than others, seemingly cannot accept that you win some and you lose some in a democracy. Now after ten years of Blair I am convinced life in England has become even more like Orwell’s book “Animal Farm”. Blair was definitely the leader of the pigs Napoleon, who adopted the ways of the farmers, using guns and dogs as Blair has in Iraq. John Prescott is definitely the white horse “Boxer” who could only ever say “Napoleon is always right”, (Prescott simply sang the praises of Tony Blair and that is about the only thing he could manage coherently over the ten years, just like Boxer). Blair came to power offering green solutions, like the pigs in Animal Farm offered equality for all animals, but in the end has said he would not give up his foreign holidays no matter how much CO2 pollution it causes, just as the pigs took all the food for themselves. Everybody is working harder these days, just as the animals had to under the pigs rule. The chickens eggs are taken away by the pigs and English women who are of old British families no longer have children at the replacement rate as they have too much incentive to work and not enough to reproduce. The pigs have transformed into the farmers in then end and nobody can see a difference between the millions of pounds Blair seeks to earn, the millions of pounds ambitious immigrants want to earn and the millions of pounds the previous conservative Prime Minister’s husband, Dennis Thatcher, had in the bank. All this in times when the world needs less ambition and more concern for the environment.

In a sense all the above could be seen as the revenge of the church on me for leaving and subsequently adopting green politics and life styles.  God seeks only to judge unbelievers, not to accept that the consequences of such actions should be assessed. why should God worry if his faithful ambitious destroy the planet, for God can recreate it tomorrow. (Why don’t  believe that?)

Faux pas number 3. I pissed myself on a sponsored walk. I was obviously losing control and the plot at the same time. This was of course a public occasion and that was where god through Jesus or “we know when to release devils” as the Koran puts it, or perhaps even some Sri Krishna “casting into hell all who disagree”, chose to make a bigger joke of me. If you watch “Holy Smoke” where a naked Kate Winslett pisses herself in front of Harvey Keitel who is trying to de-programmer her from a religious cult she has got mixed up in, you will understand where my head was approximately at during this time.

They all, (the gods and devils if you accept that such is what they are) have motives as Poirot might say. They all need to destroy the successful rationalist and build their futures on controlled wickedness and triumphant “justice” (but only justice as they perceive it). The former having nothing of Buddha in it and the latter having nothing of Darwin in it if you believe that injustice is done to people like me and that the fittest to survive are those who are gentle enough, as best they can, to resist the corruptions of honesty by those powers.

There were other faux pas and perhaps I will list them too in due course so that you might be aware of when another is being blindly led along the path I was and perhaps I hope help them.

[LIFE CLASS (9 &63)] [Fantasy and Science Fiction Analogies (4)] [Why Vegetarian (50 & 108)] [Working for Charity] [The Omega Course (23, 29, 34 & 35)] [Nudity (54)] [Brief Personal History] [Spiritual Journey] [The Early Years (12)] [Before Bliss (11, 40 & 59)] [After Bliss] [Books and music] [Conspiracy or  Delusion in Denmark (122)] [Christopher Hitchens 129] [Richard Dawkins 130] [Dolly Parton as a spiritual guide 131] [Feminist (5 & 69)] [The law (70)] [My genetic history] [Future thinker] [Physics, buddha and Darwin (55)] [Racism, Buddhism and Darwinism] [Are you deceived] [Humour (21& 32)] [Drugs and Alcohol (33 & 58)] [Changes and updates] [Madness (19 &26)] [Lament for Humanity] [Conservation and Biodiversity (49)] [Defence (43)] [Recommended Reading (60)] [What do you want? (73)] [Fundamental Principles (84)] [The Road to Enlightenment (91)] [Children (10 &109)] [Global Catastrophe in 40 years (111)] [Yidolatory (121)] [The letters (126)]